


When thorns masquerade as roses.

by TayBartlett9000



Category: Historical RPF, The Crown (TV), british royal family rpf
Genre: 1990, Christmas, Diana's POV, Gen, Historical, History, Interpretation, Love, Marriage, Princess - Freeform, Royalty, The Crown, Wales, prince - Freeform, relationship, season 4, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:48:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28699425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TayBartlett9000/pseuds/TayBartlett9000
Summary: Christmas 1990. Diana's thoughts at the end of the crown season 4.
Relationships: Charles Prince of Wales/Diana of Wales (1961 - 1997)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	When thorns masquerade as roses.

**Author's Note:**

> I was a bit hesitant to post this. I hope this is alright and that I have written respectfully about Diana, princess of Wales who I admire very much. I wish it to be known though that I am using the Crown's interpretation of Diana rather than the words of Diana herself. I mean no disrespect to either the royal family or Princess Diana.

I can hear them all laughing, laughing as if they have not a care in the world, laughing as if they are capable of warmth and affection, as if to hide the icey coldness that lingers around each and every one of them. Theirs is a hollow sort of laughter, the kind of laughter that fades as soon as it bursts forth. Or at least, that’s how it seems to me. Maybe their warmth and laughter doesn’t seem so false when one is a welcomed an accepted part of the family. But then again, maybe not. I have been surrounded by these people for long enough now to know that even those who are deeply imbedded in this family feel the coldness of the antics. I certainly can. It’s a biting cold. It’s like spending one’s time in a cold icey cave, bereft of both light and hope. That for me is life as a member of this family. The unkindness. The obvious dismissal of affection. It is all abundantly clear. That lack of affection is partly what makes these people as cold as they are.

I still cannot work out whether I regret marrying him. I don’t think that I can regret it. Were it not for my marriage to Charles, I would not have the joy of my children, the only bright lights in my life of late. My children, who I love more than anything in this world. And it is important that I show them that love. I do not think anyone currently waiting for the big family photograph is capable of such a thing. I know that Charles isn’t, not with me in any case.

I wish that I had been enough for him, that I had been enough to make him happy. That is all I have ever wanted. I don’t think he knows this, but I do love him deeply. I wish he did know it. And I wish he felt for me the love that I feel for him. I wish he wanted to make our marriage work, though I cannot entirely blame him for this as I am not entirely sure that I want our marriage to work either. I have tried. I have tried to show him the love that I feel for him. I have tried so hard to make him happy. But it seems that for all my efforts, I am still not enough. I’ll never be her. Will I? I will never know how to make him happy like she does. I will not say her name. There is no need to. Everyone knows who she is. And everyone knows that it is she who has his love, not me.

Just a glimpse of Charles’s love would be enough for me, I think. A hug or a squeeze of the hand. But he is incapable of showing me even that. I keep hearing those words. Whatever love means. Does he truly know what love means? Or can he only show her the sort of love that he should be showing the mother of his children. I can’t tell at this point.

I do not know for certain, but I think perhaps that I would be able to bear it were it not for the lack of support from the people who have been my family since I married Charls. No one has made a secret of the fact that I have no friends in this family. I was hoping for a family of shoulders to lean on, the soft landing that I wish my siblings and I had been blessed with as children. I had married Charles hoping to find happiness, hoping to find the love and acceptance that I still need more than anything. No one in this family seems to know how much I need a hug, how much I need to feel that love, the love that they seem incapable of giving me. That is why I wish so much to help the people. Someone needs to go out there and love people, and show it. They need to feel someone’s arms around them. They need to know that in their darkest moments, there is someone out there who cares about them. I am here to do good. Though the family don’t seem to think so. A popularity game. That’s what I believe they think are my motives. If only they knew. If only they understood. And if only there was a way in which I could make them understand.

I think I know now that I will never be able to make Charles happy, that I will never be able to make our marriage work. I want to, but I fear that my hopes are in vein. I cannot live like this any longer. I told the Duke of Edinburgh so myself, though I received the somewhat characteristic coolness. I want more than anything to make my marriage to Charles work, if only for the children and nothing else. But I fear that we are past that now. If Charles cannot love me the way I love him, if I can not get the love and support that I feel I deserve, then inspight of what the Duke of Edinburgh told me, I will break away from the family. I deserve to be happy, don’T i? Just as Charles deserves to be happy. Just as everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to be loved. That’s all I have ever wanted from this family, not to be pushed away. I do not yet know what to do. Perhaps Christmas isn’t the time to think about it. It should be a time for joy, I know. I will just have to try my best to smile.

They are getting ready to take the picture now. I know they will want me in it, standing beside Charles like the dutiful wife. They want the Prince and Princess of Wales to be together. They all do. Charles and Diana, the happy couple. So I will join them for the picture.

But I cannot stand amongst them and join in the sharade. So I stand a little to the side, hoping that this simple jesture conveys what I am feeling. I will effect the pose that best suits the situation that we are all in. I cannot bear to stand amongst the cold emptiness, so I will not. I may be in the picture along with the rest of the family. But I want it made crystal clear that I am not a part of this family any longer. I think we all know it.


End file.
